Saturday, May 4, 2013

#30 Common Courtesies



On Valentines Day, I put a bouquet of flowers, along with a card next to Lore's chair after breakfast.
I signed the card...'From Your Friend, Kriya.' She was delighted and kept reading the card over and over. Then later that morning, I saw her busy with paper and pen while she was sitting in her chair. She came to me while I was fixing lunch... and holding out her hand with a paper for me to take, said "For you."  It was a carefully written note from her....  

                  Happy Valentine's Day
                     From Your Friend
                               Lore

...she wanted to return my gesture... but with no means of buying, she made a simple heartfelt expression worth a million.

Common courtesies aren't lost to Lore.

 Before we sit down for meals, she makes sure that my chair is pulled out for me. If I make a plate for her and set it at her place on the table, before I've served myself, she'll always ask 'How about you?" ...not wanting to start without me.

When I'm coming in the house with bags of groceries, she gets up to attend the door for me, as I go in and out.

When we get an invitation to lunch , she asks 'What are we bringing?'

Sometimes she'll ask who gave her a sweater or something else, and when I tell her that it was a Christmas or birthday gift, she'll say ' I hope I said Thank You.'..... I always assure her that she did. And with the best of intentions, she plans to write a thank you note.

And the sweetest of all is, if she happens to be standing and wants to say a thank you or good bye,  she does a little curtsey ... bobbing quickly, bending both knees at the same time.

#29 Who's That?



Padaduli made an album of photos from a Valentine's Day dinner that we had at her home.
On the cover page there is a picture of Lore. When she gave the album book to Lore, she looked at the picture and said "How nice. For me? Who's that?"

We told her they were pictures from the dinner that we had a couple of days ago. Lore looked at the picture of herself a little longer and again asked, "Who's that?"
We thought that she was making a joke the first time, but she was serious!

"That's you Grandma!"

"That's me? I had no idea. I have white hair?"
And then again... pointing to herself and mouthing the words in disbelief,
"I have white hair?" 

That's not the first time that Lore had failed to recognize a picture of herself. The image that she has of herself is that of a woman with dark hair....probably a much younger woman. The 'changing body' has not registered in her mind...or has been forgotten.  Everytime when she looks in the mirror, her surprised comment is, "I have white hair?"  

As the embodied soul continually passes, in this body, from boyhood to youth to old age, the soul similarly passes to another body at the time of death. The self realized soul is not bewildered by such a change.
Bg 2.13

I used to think that this verse, regarding the self realized soul being bewildered by the change, referrred only to the time of death. I hadn't thought about the changes that happen while within the very same body... from childhood, to youth , to old age... can be equally bewildering and frightening. "Where did the time go? What is happening to me? What is happening to me? Why am I like this? Why can't I remember anything?"


#28 Heidelberg- A New Home



 With the death of Lore's father and the remarriage of her mother, everything had now changed in the young girl's life... except for her last name of Philipp. Moving to Heidelberg, about 250 miles south of Beilefeld, where her stepfather was established, was a new chapter in the child's life.  With a new father figure ..she now had a brother and sister, new home in a different city that meant a change of school, new social interactions, and a completely new set of friends to be made, in an all girls school. It was exciting and there was a new city to explore. Lore liked school... was a good student and liked the challenge of learning. School days were happily spent in the company of friends, playing sports (as a member of a Jewish sports organization), and field trips to the castle ruins.  The young girl learned patriotic songs and was proud of her Homeland. Lore remembers singing the regional anthem about the famous place that she now resided in.....

1. Old Hiedelberg you are beautiful                 3.Old Heidelberg,
 Your city rich in honor                                    Your city rich in honor
Upon Neckar, upon Rhine                                Upon Neckar, upon Rhine
No other one is comparable to you                   No other one is comparable to you
City full of happy folks                                    And when I'm feeling homesick
Full with wisdom and with wine                         And getting cold far away from home
Clear waves of the river floating                       Then I spur my horse and ride toward Neckar Valley
Blue eyes sparkling bright....


Lore's new home was an apartment flat, situated on a hill overlooking the Neckar River, with a view of the historic castle ruins.  The family business, owned and managed by both her parents, provided financial security. Beneath the family's apartment, on the ground floor, was the storefront. The three front rooms were shelved with bolts of fabric and large mirrors, in front of which, customers could drape the fabric over their shoulder and get an impression of the finished garment. Many customers would bring their own tailor or dressmaker with them.It seemed that the new marriage was a good match.. her mother being a skilled seamstress and her new husband a cloth merchant.

Lore's responsibility was to run errands and make deliveries on her bicycle for the household and for the family business. Lore went everywhere on her bicycle, leaving it behind only to go on family outings or to the synagogue. She remembers that this was the one time in her life that she was a 'church-goer'. 

Many years later, as an adult, Lore would revisit Heidelberg and meet with friends from the sports organization that she had belonged to . With a name tag of "Lore" (as she now called herself), she was approached by a tall gentleman with white hair whose greeting to her was, 'Lotte, where is your bicycle?"

Heidelberg was.... and still is, a beautiful city with a baroque-style Old Town. Known as the Pearl Of the Neckar (river valley), the city is close to the confluence of the Rhine. This popular tourist destination's famous landmarks include... the romantic ancient stone castle ruins, a university, one of the oldest institutions in Europe, was founded in the 14th century, and a beautiful stone arch bridge that spans the Neckar River. The city was one of the few spared from destruction in WWII. The Allies had decided that because of it's historical importance and beauty, Heidelberg should be saved from bombardment. 


***
A correction to the posting #24 Early Years.... Lore's nick name from infancy and on thru her school days, was Lotte....the last part of Leisalotte...her given name. But I will continue to refer to her as Lore, the name we all know her by.


#27 Quick Wit



I've learned how to take blood pressure with one of those digital 'Blood Pressure for Dummies' machines. They're pretty nifty. So I keep track and write down the numbers on a calendar. Mostly, Lore is willing to let me play nurse, but I have to get it right the first time, because she won't tolerate second tries. She doesn't like the cuff squeezing on her arm. 

One time, when taking her blood pressure  I was waiting for the digital reading to show up. When the numbers finally appeared I made a "Hmmmm" sound, as I thinking about them.

Lore mimicked the sound back to me and said, " So Doctor, is 'Hmmmmm' good or bad?"

A good joke and we both laughed.
                                           

#26 Important Thing 2



At least 10 times a day, Lore will catch my eye and say, 'Here." and then indicate with a nod of her head to what she's holding in her hand....... 

                                      It's  "Important Thing 2"




A life saving badge ...the kind that a life guard would have sewn onto their bathing suit . It reads....

                                           LIFE SAVING SENIOR

Every time that Lore shows me the badge, I pretend that it's the first time that I've seen it. It doesn't do any good to tell her that I've seen it before.... she won't remember when she shows me again in a few minutes and I would only hurt her feelings and make her feel that I'm not interested and/or she's not interesting.  

Once I said the 'wrong thing' and asked her "Oh, where did you get that?" An innocent enough conversation opener, right?  She was indignant, "You don't believe me that I did this?" I tried to explain , "No, no. That's not why I was asking." But she wouldn't hear it and put the badge away.  She wouldn't look at me for an hour. In my mind I'm thinking "Please , please, show me the badge again and again and again and again....and again.

She's showing me something that's important to her, making a social connection with as much conversational skill that the dementia allows. Sometimes she may be feeling lost or lonely and needs some interaction. 

Yes, maybe it's bothersome that she repeats something over and over. 
Think of a Mom dealing with a toddler who asks the same question or repeats a story a hundred times (or so it seems like). You learn to deal with it by having a stock pile of positive answers ready.

"Oh really!"
"Look at that!"
"That's so nice. 
"Tell me about that."
"You're so lucky to have that that."
"You must be a good swimmer."

I'm not saying that she should be treated as a child....it's just the way it is. It's part of the disease... and this is how I manage. For someone who is easily confused, they often loose the ability to entertain themselves. Sometimes suggesting an activity, causes added stress...with the inability to perform. Even simple tasks have to be broken down to step by step and the simple things can be equally rewarding.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

#25 Important Thing 1



The other day Lore came out of her bedroom moving at a pretty fast pace....for her. I could hear her coming from where I was in the next room.... her cane making a bump sound on the wood floor at each step. I came to the doorway of the hallway, curious by her hurry.
What is she so excited about?

Without a word, she grabbed my hand from where I stood and continued on down the hall pulling me behind her. She led me into my bedroom and looked around, like a frantic bird looking for a place to land.

I tried to see if she was hurt or injured and needed help.

She spotted the empty table at the foot of my bed and let go of my hand. Then took some things out of the same hand that was holding the cane and laid them on the table. 

"Here." she said.

A peacock feather.....some pink rose petals....and the pippal leaf.

I didn't know quite what to make of all of this. Was it a right thing or a wrong thing?  So I paused... waiting for a cue. I didn't want to say the wrong thing. So after a few seconds of silence.... I cautiously offered a comment. "Oh, look what you have. That's so nice."

"Yup" was her answer.

I could tell I was on the right track.  It was an 'Important Thing'. 

I admired each item and we talked about them. The beauty of the peacock feather and how soft it was against her cheek. The pretty rose petals and where they came from....a garland that a devotee had given her. And the pippal leaf.....remember we got that when we went to the temple last week?

Just last night, Lore was looking at the trio of precious items on her bedside table and said that she should send them to her mother..."They're nice enough. She would like them." she said.
I agreed.......of course her mother passed away many many years ago.

Sometimes Lore communicates to me with one word signals, a wave of her hand, or a clucking sound to get my attention. Pointing gestures to indicate... 'Is my hair ok?' I look ok? Me come there?' replace the actual words. 

                                                         ***
No one wants to be ignored.  Everyone wants to feel like what they share is valuable and of some interest. It's how a child's confidence and self esteem grows. The need to validate one's self worth and be recognized as having a useful place in society doesn't go away when we get older. It's a healthy sign to feel like we would like to contribute and that our contribution is appreciated. 

When we were younger, our self worth was validated by becoming independent. The child is proud of their accomplishments.... Now I can walk by myself. Now I can dress myself. Now I can read by myself. Now I can ride a bicycle by myself. Now I can drive a car and earn my own money to live the way that I want to live. Growing up means becoming independent. 

Growing old means becoming dependent.  Can't walk by myself. Need help getting dressed. The words don't make sense when I read. The bicycle is now a 3 wheeled walker. Even when I walk, standing on one foot for that instant is precarious, so now my feet don't even leave the floor....it's the senior shuffle. Can't drive anymore, my drivers license got taken away.

'Useful' for some of our elderly, has been replaced by unnecessary and a nuisance. Our modern society has made a 'god' of autonomy that has conspired by indifference and neglect to abandon and even kill some of our elderly. It's an oppressive ideal that we have to help liberate the elderly from. We have to be the ones to make that change and redeem our times. Only then, can we be liberated from this old idea ourselves. 

#24 Bielefeld



On Dec 8, 1920 in Bielefeld, Germany, a baby girl was born to Herta and Carl Philipp. She was named Leisalotte Lore. 

The young girl was the darling of her parents and among the extended family. There were many happy visits to her maternal grandparents home where young Lore, as she was nicknamed, would sit beside her Opa (grandfather) as he worked in his watchmaking shop. He was a very progressive man for his day, and had insisted that his two daughters (Lore's mother and her sister) receive a good education. The importance of which, was also instilled in the child. Young Lore attended private schools and there was much emphasis on attendance, punctuality, and performance. The German that was spoken in the home was "proper" German and children were expected to behave.

Her Mother was a seamstress and stitched all of her daughter's clothes.  Her mother was attentive to teach her daughter the skill, starting at a very young age.  The little girl, wearing a homemade dress that probably buttoned up the front (her mother was fond of 'button up the front'), and thick stockings with high button shoes, would sit beside her mother for sewing lessons as her mother hand stitched or used a treadle sewing machine. Easy tasks. Using a large blunt needle threaded with yarn, the child's small fingers guided the needle in and out of prepunched holes on a piece of cardboard.  From such simple projects, she graduated to making doll clothes, samplers, and eventually her own clothes. But it was the sewing machine that the child had her eye on all along. Lore recalls, she felt it beneath her to have to start out with hand stitchery.  As Lore got older, she recalls wanting store bought clothes instead of 'homemade' ones. 

 Her mother also taught her to swim, Lore remembers holding tight to her mother's two fingers in the water.

Then, the little girl's happy childhood was shattered by the untimely death of her father. Lore remembers her father being a good provider, they lived a good life and wanted for nothing. But now, with the death of her father, everything was changed and so did the household financial situation. Expenses now had to be watched closely.

At the insistence of family, her mother remarried some time after, and by the time Lore was 8-9 years old, they had relocated to Heidelberg. Her new stepfather already had two children, a boy and a girl and the two families were blended together. Lore was now the 'middle' child, with a sister a few years older that herself. She never took on the new family name of Goldstrom when her mother remarried. At her insistence, certain of what she wanted even at such a young age, the judge granted that Lore could retain her father's last name of Philipp.

By 1936, at about the age of 15, Lore had moved on to the safety of England from Heidelberg.

                                                                    ***

Bielefeld (see picture- circa 1920) was a linen producing town and was one of several that printed very attractive and highly collectable bank notes (pictured) with embroidered designs on silk, velvet, and linen. They were issued by the town's savings bank and sent all around the world.

The town's  only synagogue (pictured) was burned in 1938 on Kristallnacht (Crystal Night), also referred to as the 'Night of Broken Glass.'  On this night of November 9-10 in 1938, a series of coordinated attacks against Jews by Nazi paramilitary and civilians took place all over Nazi Germany and parts of Austria as well. Using sledgehammers, the attackers ransacked, burned, and destroyed Jewish owned stores, buildings, synagogues, homes, hospitals, and schools that left the streets covered with broken glass.  Over 1,000 synagogues were burned, and over 7,000 Jewish businesses destroyed or damaged. Almost 100 Jews were killed and over 30,000 arrested and incarcerated in concentration camps.

The pretext for the attacks was retaliation for the assassination in Paris of German diplomat Ernst Von Rath by a German-born Polish Jew. Krisstallnacht is viewed by historians as the beginning of the Final Solution and the Holocoust.

Beilefeld, important for its metalworks, textile industry, and railway was bombed by the RAF-Britan's Royal Air Force during WWII.

Many years later, as an adult, Lore would visit her home town to seek out memories of the place were she spent the early years of her childhood. Little remained... but she was able to identify the plot of land where the building had stood, in which the family had rented a flat.