#25 Important Thing 1

The other day Lore came out of her bedroom moving at a pretty fast pace....for her. I could hear her coming from where I was in the next room.... her cane making a bump sound on the wood floor at each step. I came to the doorway of the hallway, curious by her hurry.

What is she so excited about?

Without a word, she grabbed my hand from where I stood and continued on down the hall pulling me behind her. She led me into my bedroom and looked around, like a frantic bird looking for a place to land.

I tried to see if she was hurt or injured and needed help.

She spotted the empty table at the foot of my bed and let go of my hand. Then took some things out of the same hand that was holding the cane and laid them on the table. 

"Here." she said.

A peacock feather.....some pink rose petals....and the pippal leaf.

I didn't know quite what to make of all of this. Was it a right thing or a wrong thing?  So I paused... waiting for a cue. I didn't want to say the wrong thing. So after a few seconds of silence.... I cautiously offered a comment. "Oh, look what you have. That's so nice."

"Yup" was her answer.

I could tell I was on the right track.  It was an 'Important Thing'. 

I admired each item and we talked about them. The beauty of the peacock feather and how soft it was against her cheek. The pretty rose petals and where they came from....a garland that a devotee had given her. And the pippal leaf.....remember we got that when we went to the temple last week?

Just last night, Lore was looking at the trio of precious items on her bedside table and said that she should send them to her mother..."They're nice enough. She would like them." she said.

I agreed.......of course her mother passed away many many years ago.

Sometimes Lore communicates to me with one word signals, a wave of her hand, or a clucking sound to get my attention. Pointing gestures to indicate... 'Is my hair ok?' I look ok? Me come there?' replace the actual words. 

                                                         ***

No one wants to be ignored.  Everyone wants to feel like what they share is valuable and of some interest. It's how a child's confidence and self esteem grows. The need to validate one's self worth and be recognized as having a useful place in society doesn't go away when we get older. It's a healthy sign to feel like we would like to contribute and that our contribution is appreciated. 

When we were younger, our self worth was validated by becoming independent. The child is proud of their accomplishments.... Now I can walk by myself. Now I can dress myself. Now I can read by myself. Now I can ride a bicycle by myself. Now I can drive a car and earn my own money to live the way that I want to live. Growing up means becoming independent. 

Growing old means becoming dependent.  Can't walk by myself. Need help getting dressed. The words don't make sense when I read. The bicycle is now a 3 wheeled walker. Even when I walk, standing on one foot for that instant is precarious, so now my feet don't even leave the floor....it's the senior shuffle. Can't drive anymore, my drivers license got taken away.

'Useful' for some of our elderly, has been replaced by unnecessary and a nuisance. Our modern society has made a 'god' of autonomy that has conspired by indifference and neglect to abandon and even kill some of our elderly. It's an oppressive ideal that we have to help liberate the elderly from. We have to be the ones to make that change and redeem our times. Only then, can we be liberated from this old idea ourselves. 

#24 Bielefeld

On Dec 8, 1920 in Bielefeld, Germany, a baby girl was born to Herta and Carl Philipp. She was named Leisalotte Lore. 

The young girl was the darling of her parents and among the extended family. There were many happy visits to her maternal grandparents home where young Lore, as she was nicknamed, would sit beside her Opa (grandfather) as he worked in his watchmaking shop. He was a very progressive man for his day, and had insisted that his two daughters (Lore's mother and her sister) receive a good education. The importance of which, was also instilled in the child. Young Lore attended private schools and there was much emphasis on attendance, punctuality, and performance. The German that was spoken in the home was "proper" German and children were expected to behave.

Her Mother was a seamstress and stitched all of her daughter's clothes.  Her mother was attentive to teach her daughter the skill, starting at a very young age.  The little girl, wearing a homemade dress that probably buttoned up the front (her mother was fond of 'button up the front'), and thick stockings with high button shoes, would sit beside her mother for sewing lessons as her mother hand stitched or used a treadle sewing machine. Easy tasks. Using a large blunt needle threaded with yarn, the child's small fingers guided the needle in and out of prepunched holes on a piece of cardboard.  From such simple projects, she graduated to making doll clothes, samplers, and eventually her own clothes. But it was the sewing machine that the child had her eye on all along. Lore recalls, she felt it beneath her to have to start out with hand stitchery.  As Lore got older, she recalls wanting store bought clothes instead of 'homemade' ones. 

 Her mother also taught her to swim, Lore remembers holding tight to her mother's two fingers in the water.

Then, the little girl's happy childhood was shattered by the untimely death of her father. Lore remembers her father being a good provider, they lived a good life and wanted for nothing. But now, with the death of her father, everything was changed and so did the household financial situation. Expenses now had to be watched closely.

At the insistence of family, her mother remarried some time after, and by the time Lore was 8-9 years old, they had relocated to Heidelberg. Her new stepfather already had two children, a boy and a girl and the two families were blended together. Lore was now the 'middle' child, with a sister a few years older that herself. She never took on the new family name of Goldstrom when her mother remarried. At her insistence, certain of what she wanted even at such a young age, the judge granted that Lore could retain her father's last name of Philipp.

By 1936, at about the age of 15, Lore had moved on to the safety of England from Heidelberg.

                                                                    ***

Bielefeld (see picture- circa 1920) was a linen producing town and was one of several that printed very attractive and highly collectable bank notes (pictured) with embroidered designs on silk, velvet, and linen. They were issued by the town's savings bank and sent all around the world.

The town's  only synagogue (pictured) was burned in 1938 on Kristallnacht (Crystal Night), also referred to as the 'Night of Broken Glass.'  On this night of November 9-10 in 1938, a series of coordinated attacks against Jews by Nazi paramilitary and civilians took place all over Nazi Germany and parts of Austria as well. Using sledgehammers, the attackers ransacked, burned, and destroyed Jewish owned stores, buildings, synagogues, homes, hospitals, and schools that left the streets covered with broken glass.  Over 1,000 synagogues were burned, and over 7,000 Jewish businesses destroyed or damaged. Almost 100 Jews were killed and over 30,000 arrested and incarcerated in concentration camps.

The pretext for the attacks was retaliation for the assassination in Paris of German diplomat Ernst Von Rath by a German-born Polish Jew. Krisstallnacht is viewed by historians as the beginning of the Final Solution and the Holocoust.

Beilefeld, important for its metalworks, textile industry, and railway was bombed by the RAF-Britan's Royal Air Force during WWII.

Many years later, as an adult, Lore would visit her home town to seek out memories of the place were she spent the early years of her childhood. Little remained... but she was able to identify the plot of land where the building had stood, in which the family had rented a flat.  

#23 It's Not What You Say

You've heard that saying, right?  'It's not what you say but how you say it' ?

Well, they got the first part all wrong.  Here, in our world , it goes...."it's what you say and how you say it."

I'm not a caregiver...I'm her friend.

I don't help or assist...we do it together.

I don't help her walk...I come with her.

We don't go out in the wheelchair...we go for a ride .

Instead of 'do you need help doing this?' it's....I'll be here with you for this.

My response that works today, may not be the right answer tomorrow.

An eye roll of frustration from me, could be detected and may demand an explanation.

Whatever she's asking, should be treated as important, no matter how many times.

It's important for one who is dependent to retain their sense of dignity, especially for such a strong willed, independent person such as Lore. I have to be careful of 'hovering' and appearing 'too helpful'. 

Consider the aging person, who is faced with the painful realization that their needs are changing. Consider their fear of loss of self worth, confidence, and personal independence. The ability to walk unattended may be gone, everyday tasks now become labored or impossible, and the need to depend on another becomes a reality. A deep feeling of frustration may set in. Forgetfulness can cause familiar surroundings to suddenly become strange and cause fearful anxiety or panic attacks. 

"Which way is the bathroom? Where is my bed? I thought I was alone in the house! Where is my handbag? Is this where I live?"

Does packing the added stuff of wheelchairs, walkers or canes  in the car, to go for a simple trip to the store seem to be a burden? Remember, this is a parent who once lugged a diaper bag on her shoulder with extra bottles, extra clothes, and snacks,  with a stroller to load in the car, carrying a child on her hip, legs dangling and tiny hands clenching a fistful of her shirt... just to get out the door. A chore then and a chore now...worth the effort, worth the love.

Step back and reflex on the dignity that is owed to our elderly. This could be your parent or mine. This could be a neighbor, friend, brother or sister. 

This could be you or me...  tomorrow or the next day or in the not so distant future.

The conditions of old age with it's frailities and dependencies are part of the given order of life....inescapable in their nature and a fundamental truth of the human condition. They can have a positive role in our fulfillment by deepening our awareness of our dependence on the Supreme Lord.

.

#16 Mother And Son

On Tamal Krsna Maharaja's 2012 Vyasa Puja celebration, I told Mother Lore about the upcoming event that we were planning to attend.. Explaining it as a "birthday celebration"... in a way that she could understand. The devotees come together to honor their teacher/guru on that day.

                                       That        afternoon, she was lying on her bed and seemed quite troubled. She took my hand and said that she was confused , she needed to talk to someone, "But  I"m embarrassed to ask." I told her if she wanted, she could talk to me.  So she asked me ......  "Is Tamal still alive?" My heart sank and I thought to speak in an esoteric way... "That one's Guru never leaves...he lives on in the hearts of the devotees"... but I knew that's not what she was asking. I inquired a bit further. She was wanting to know if she should expect to see him at the celebration that evening. But somewhere, the lingering memory of a tragedy confused her.

I sat down on the bed next to her and told her "No. He had passed on."  

And then came her queries. "When?"  "How?"  "Where?"  I answered  all of her questions in the best gentle manner as I was able. She took it all in and nodded and said, "Thank you." 

 

 Last week, Lore got a visit from a relative whom she had not seen in many years. As we were making plans to receive the guest, she suggested we contact Tamal, as he might like to be here to see the relative also.

I paused for a moment...  

I told her that Tamal was traveling and wasn't in the area. 

                                              ***

Why should I disturb her mind with the so called "truth"? What purpose would it serve? Sometimes kindness is a higher principle than honesty....and other times the kind thing to do is be honest.

 

 Have you ever lost someone you love and wanted one more conversation, one more chance to make up for the time when you thought they would be here forever? If so, then you know you can go your whole life collecting days and none will outweigh the one you wish you had back.

                                                          For One More Day by Mitch Albom

 

#22 Nazar Jeweler

Mother Lore and I were riding in the car and passed a large store with a big sign in front that read,  "NAZAR JEWELER".

She slapped her hand over her heart  in a gesture of shock, and looked at me with wide eyes and said, "For a moment,  I thought that sign said "NAZI."

 Lore was 13 years old when Hitler came to power in Germany. She remembers the changes happening around her. In a school that was once integrated and without differences...now she and her Jewish classmates were ridiculed and made examples of and soon banned from attending school. Her mother told her that it would be best if she no longer played with a long time childhood friend who was not Jewish...because it would 'not be good" for her friend.

At the time, some adults believed this was "just a phase" that couldn't last... and things would go back to the way they were.  But things didn't get better or ever go back to the way that they were... and the plight of Jewish families got increasingly worse. Rumors of worse situations began to circulate. Young teens such as Lore, began to rebel against their parents hopeful way of thinking. 

Her Uncle Otto, a non Jew, who married her mother's sister, was a teacher and socialist democrat. She remembers listening to his contrary political views of the situation and his straight forward news reporting. He was later fired from his position because of his affiliations.

She  overheard her stepfather yelling into the telephone, "For God's sake do something! Get us out of here!" 

Lore was the first member of her family to leave for England.  The rest of her family... mother , stepfather, stepbrother and stepsister followed to safety some time after.

In Lore's own words....                                 

We the Goldstrom, Philipp family lived in Heidelberg when Adolf Hitler came to power, and with that life for gipsies, Jews, and other undesired citizens became most difficult. From one day to the next, Jews were no longer allowed to attend high school. All over town, signs appeared "Judeu verboten" (Jews forbidden)- Juden sind hier niche erwunscht (Jews not desired here). My classmates made believe they did not know me, and I believe, within a short time Jews were no longer allowed to attend high school. I never again, had comfort  whatsoever with my former classmates.